Not Be the Only Single Loser in the World. No, really.
Take Our Advice, It is Priceless, As We Are Completely Learned in the
Acquisition of Attractive Men.
Take Our Advice, It is Priceless, As We Are Completely Learned in the
Acquisition of Attractive Men.
Or, Why "Top 10 Places to Meet Single, Attractive Men" Suck.
Once in a good while, maybe once a week, some free lance idiot plops out a witty how-to for meeting the perfect single man to satisfy your desperate cat-lady needs. This is MNOP's time to shine, baby. Not only will we provide you with the list that some other broad(s) "originally" birthed, but we'll tell you why the list is terrible and what we think are some better options for meeting some sort of approximation of a "man":
1. Eat Out.
(Aubri can't read this heading without breaking into a fit a of giggles.)
Theory: Single Men don't cook, because that's a woman's job and they don't have one. (A woman). Q.E.D. Single Men frequent chain restaurants where they can essentially hire a woman to provide this service (legally).
Real-Life Experience: We went to Chili's for lunch the other day. We were fully ready to meet some day-drinking business men and found exactly what we were looking for: a quasi-nerdy pair of reasonably attractive men with no rings on the left hand. Problem? They barely talked to each other between stuffing their faces with quesadilla and chips and salsa. Much less to us.
Better Theory: 1am at a bar is probably the best place to meet your man. There is rarely food to distract you or your intended future-husband from gratuitous flirtation. Alcohol provides the perfect amount of social lubricant to make you not care that he's wearing copious amounts of Ed Hardy and make him not care that your hair isn't as perfectly Snooki'd as it was at the beginning of the night. Last call's not just for alcohol anymore.
2. Join a Gym.
1. Eat Out.
(Aubri can't read this heading without breaking into a fit a of giggles.)
Theory: Single Men don't cook, because that's a woman's job and they don't have one. (A woman). Q.E.D. Single Men frequent chain restaurants where they can essentially hire a woman to provide this service (legally).
Real-Life Experience: We went to Chili's for lunch the other day. We were fully ready to meet some day-drinking business men and found exactly what we were looking for: a quasi-nerdy pair of reasonably attractive men with no rings on the left hand. Problem? They barely talked to each other between stuffing their faces with quesadilla and chips and salsa. Much less to us.
Better Theory: 1am at a bar is probably the best place to meet your man. There is rarely food to distract you or your intended future-husband from gratuitous flirtation. Alcohol provides the perfect amount of social lubricant to make you not care that he's wearing copious amounts of Ed Hardy and make him not care that your hair isn't as perfectly Snooki'd as it was at the beginning of the night. Last call's not just for alcohol anymore.
2. Join a Gym.
Theory: Super-sexy health freaks spend relaxation time pumping iron. If they look good at the gym, they must look good in actual clothes!
Conflict: We're comfortably fat and moderately sedentary and we don't want to hold our men to any standards that we don't uphold for ourselves. Plus, it's no secret that MNOPers prefer their men with a little fluff and a healthy comic book habit.
Better Theory: 1am at a bar, but a divey-er one. Again. Best place to meet your future husband. This time, we're at a divey bar with a slightly more eclectic clientele. The guy with the nerdy tshirt will appreciate your appreciation for classic rock. The displaced cubicle dweller will appreciate your appreciation for the slightly pricier vodka...if the bartender has even has anything better than Absolut.
Now, now. Don't think you're not going to have to work for #3-10! You'll have to click that link again next week! We can only string so many words together at a time to create complete thoughts as brilliant as these!
Obligatory Author Bio: Kristen & Aubri are slackers and hopeless cynics. They work mindless jobs at drone factories and write a bitterly sarcastic blog on the side. They have lived in such cultural Meccas as West Virginia, Connecticut, Florida and Pennsylvania. The pair currently call Jersey home and are always bitching about something. They can usually be found in dive bars or diner booths drinking or eating heavily, which is definitely their favorite hobby. The rest of their time is spent rollerskating, pole dancing, driving long distances for food, not working hard on their blog, and shopping for mail-order husbands online. And shoes.
Conflict: We're comfortably fat and moderately sedentary and we don't want to hold our men to any standards that we don't uphold for ourselves. Plus, it's no secret that MNOPers prefer their men with a little fluff and a healthy comic book habit.
Better Theory: 1am at a bar, but a divey-er one. Again. Best place to meet your future husband. This time, we're at a divey bar with a slightly more eclectic clientele. The guy with the nerdy tshirt will appreciate your appreciation for classic rock. The displaced cubicle dweller will appreciate your appreciation for the slightly pricier vodka...if the bartender has even has anything better than Absolut.
Now, now. Don't think you're not going to have to work for #3-10! You'll have to click that link again next week! We can only string so many words together at a time to create complete thoughts as brilliant as these!
Obligatory Author Bio: Kristen & Aubri are slackers and hopeless cynics. They work mindless jobs at drone factories and write a bitterly sarcastic blog on the side. They have lived in such cultural Meccas as West Virginia, Connecticut, Florida and Pennsylvania. The pair currently call Jersey home and are always bitching about something. They can usually be found in dive bars or diner booths drinking or eating heavily, which is definitely their favorite hobby. The rest of their time is spent rollerskating, pole dancing, driving long distances for food, not working hard on their blog, and shopping for mail-order husbands online. And shoes.
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