Most romantic comedies and sitcoms have given men the impression that first date jitters involve selecting the right lip gloss, the dress that shows enough but not too much skin, and committing to ordering salad for dinner.
Also incorrect is the porn version of a first date wherein we order a pizza, conveniently being short on cash when the mustachioed delivery boy arrives. "There isn't any other way I can pay you?" Although this is an effective way to contract herpes or some other socially debilitating disease.
Really, our pre-date thoughts are consumed with one concern: Getting out alive with the same number of bruises we had going in.
The modern woman has watched enough Lifetime to know: the "normal guy next door" has a sex addiction, the "popular jock" has a proclivity for bashing your head in with a rock or his All-State 2002 Championship trophy, and you can protect animals from their abusers for only $18 a day by donating to the ASPCA. Right now there is an animal that needs you.
It's also been proven time and time again that you don't have to be pretty to be a victim (see: Tori Spelling).
We will assume you have convinced a girl to go out with you. For whatever reason, be it guilt, her ticking biological clock, pity, or honest to goodness attraction she has decided you are tolerable enough to be alone with her. Now you will have to actually take her somewhere. This is where the old real estate adage of "location, location, location" comes in handy. Let's take a look at three traditional date ideas, and why they're all wrong:
The Movies
Most women's interest magazines and self help books will warn against the movies as a first date because it doesn't really give you the chance to open up, talk, and learn about the person whose limp, clammy hand is inching toward yours. This is exactly the reason we here at MNOP love the idea of a date at the movies. No awkward conversation. No uncomfortable eye contact. No pretending you aren't completely turned off by their firearms collection.
However, we have to go with the experts on this one and nix the movies as a first date option. The movies are dark, not guaranteed to be populated, and if you're watching AVP or Terminator type action flicks no one can hear you scream. No self respecting girl would let a relative stranger take her into a dark room where the only other witness to her ever being there is too distracted by his own acne to notice if she ever comes back out. Plus, that "trick" involving a hole in the popcorn bucket? Gross.
The Local Carnival
Sure. Nothing says lovin' like spending thirty dollars for five rides that toss you around in small cars above the asphalt of the fire department's parking lot. Does that thirty dollars include a tetanus shot? Now take away the dizzying bright lights, fried dough, and the opportunity to impress your date by winning a hot pink stuffed monkey with your dart skills and what do you have?
A lot of dark alleys, trailers, and machine rooms. That's what. Next.
Your Swinging "Pad"
We understand times are tough. Money isn't everything, and you don't have to go into debt to impress a girl who is worth your time. But listen, and listen well:
Taking a girl "out" to your place for a first date is the equivalent of inviting her to dinner and bringing her to Arby's.
We hear what you're thinking: "But MNOP girls, I'm going to impress her with my cooking skills. Dazzle her with my film collection. Astound her with my decor. My pad is me."
Let us break it down for you. Your cooking? Just an opportunity to roofie the one chicken dish you can't screw up. The Fast and the Furious Trilogy? Not a film collection. And the Beer! poster along with the MC Escher “print” in a plastic frame will be the first things to hit the dumpster if things work out.
Next GOG: Topics of Conversation, or, why you shouldn't mention how good Jessica Biel looks.
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